Simone Reyes

Photo: Simone Reyes www.simonereyes.com

When we spoke to the “(You’re My) Happy Hour” singer, we thought we would ask about her country music career. Maybe chat a bit about what it’s like being “the boss” to mogul Russell Simmons. Or maybe how many Popular Science magazines her friend MCA had to light on fire in the “(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party)” video. But it became apparent quickly, that Simone reyes identifies as a vegan and animal rights activist. She found us an hour to talk.

Editors Note: Bridget noted that after their discussion, Simone wondered aloud if her raw, honest talk about the realities of veganism would be too much. “She said maybe I should edit out some of her real feelings so that others aren’t offended. To which I reminded her that we have no intentions of editing you to make me feel better.”

Trigger warning: There is discussion of animal cruelty. Please take care while reading.

Living Crue: Anybody who knows you knows you have so many different identities. There’s Simone, Russell Simmons’ right hand. There’s Simone the country music star. There’s Simone the author. There’s Simone the vegan. The show producer. Where did it all start? Can we start in Manhattan?

Simone: Yes, I’m from Greenwich Village. I grew up in, I don’t want to say, in a “hippy community,” but [it was] in a lot of ways. I went to P.S. 41 and that school was so wonderful because it is smack in the middle of Greenwich Village and it was a melting pot, and so was my apartment building. So from a very young age, thank God, I was exposed to every nationality in the school and also in my apartment building. Being in the village, I knew I had an understanding of what homosexuality was at a very young age. When it’s presented as something that’s completely part of your community, you don’t really question it at all or think that other people might find it offensive or weird or anything like that. It’s just completely normal, and so for that, I’m so grateful for growing up in that incredibly wonderful community, completely accepting. And so, actually, when I hear people homeschooling, I get a little nervous because I think if I had been homeschooled in so many ways, I would have missed out on just, you know, the wonderment, the incredible experience of getting to know so many different people from so many different nationalities and walks of life. I’m a huge advocate of the public school system. Of course, in a lot of ways it can be made better and safer, for sure, but I wouldn’t have traded that for anything in the world.

It’s funny because I look back now; I grew up in the age of the Son of Sam when New York was considered one of the most dangerous, if not THE most dangerous place to live. I was held up, actually, at the age of 13, with a gun. We were riding the trains by ourselves, sometimes to school, under the age of 14. I mean, my friends would all come on the train from the Upper West Side. We didn’t even think about it. I think when Etan Patz was abducted in Tribeca, that was a huge wake-up call. I think a lot of parents thought, there are so many people around what could possibly happen? There are so many people everywhere in New York. You go out at 4:00 in the morning and you’re not alone. Delis are open, nightclubs are open, and the city is alive at all hours. But I think that made a lot of parents say, “Oh my God, these abductions don’t just happen in rural communities, they can happen right here.”

What do you think when you see a 14-year-old in the city now?

No, and I honestly don’t even know how we got around because I was a club kid. I went to my first club at 14. I was allowed to go to nightclubs throughout my entire high school as long as I kept my grades up. All of my friends did. Some of my friends used to go to the nightclub to do their homework before they opened and then just be there when it opened. I don’t know how we all found each other, though, because we didn’t have cell phones and we didn’t have any way to reach each other. Now, you know, in some ways I think that people growing up now are a lot more insulated. I think the internet is an incredible tool, especially for activism and for connecting people, but I think in a lot of ways it disconnects people. It makes people feel—and certainly, children feel—a lot more comfortable just speaking to people they don’t know personally, which is dangerous, and just sort of living in the world of their devices. I wonder if they’re going to be able to really communicate as effectively by not having that real one-on-one [connection] that we had? We spoke on the phone. Kids nowadays? I mean, you see them texting each other in the same room.

Growing up in the city the way you did, I think you had an awareness about what’s around you that gets lost when you have your face in your phone all the time. So, you’ve come from a wonderful community, you’ve lived an independent, somewhat autonomous life as a young woman, and you’re in this nightclub world. Is that when you met Russell Simmons?

Yeah, yeah, I met him through my connections with the nightclub scene. I am friends with the Beastie Boys and we all kind of just ran together. You know New York kids. We were all at the same nightclubs. Most of us went to the same schools. It was just sort of like, that’s how I met him. I was really good friends with Rick Rubin's girlfriend,—[Rick] is arguably one of the best producers in the world—and she was just sort of like, “Def Jam is opening on Elizabeth Street and they need a receptionist.” I’d been going to college at night and then working at Tower Records, which was also a hub of excitement. And all of the time that I’d been working there I just knew I didn’t want to stay in retail. That wasn’t something that I ever wanted to do, was just a way to make extra money and to sort of be around the music business in some way. And then I just became a receptionist over at Def Jam.

How does it work that you were at Russell Simmons’ label, working in that world, and in your “other” life you are, you know, singing about what Patsy Cline would say to you? How does that happen that you can be in the hip hop world, but also the country music world?

I mean honestly, I just think I’m a rebel! I think maybe if I’d grown up working for somebody who was classically trained or whatever, then I’d be into punk. Hip hop was, and is, an incredible art form and it’s always been sort of a point of contention between Russell and me. He’s like, “You were raised on hip hop, how are you a country artist?” But even he has said many times: hip hop and country might seem like they are completely separate ends of the spectrum—you can almost say there’s nothing more opposite—but in fact, it’s not true. The reason why hip hop is so provocative and has been so incredibly, immensely popular is that it’s truthful. And whether you like it or not, rappers are poets and they speak from their communities, they speak from their life, their culture, and they speak about what is wrong with it and what they love about it, and what they aspire to. Country music is the same. In country music, you hear about what it’s like to live a country life, what it’s like to live now with tractors and on farms and drinking whiskey, and all of the things that are just culturally similar to what you think, you know. Does every country fan love Trump and do they all vote red? No. And are all hip hop artists gangbangers? Of course not. But a lot of hip hop artists grew up in extreme poverty and grew up in extreme violence, and that was part of their reality at a very young age. That’s very similar to country music. A lot of people grew up in poverty and a lot of people grew up around guns and things like that. So both are telling the story of their experience in a way that is provocative and honest and sometimes hard to digest by the masses.

And so what about the storytelling aspect of country music attracted you?

I mean, it’s just like a movie, right? When I watch a movie, if I can’t relate to it on some level of something that I’ve experienced or something that I feel I’m getting through the screen, it’s not going to resonate with me. I’m not going to even really keep it on. I’m just going to turn to something else and I think that’s the same with songwriting and storytelling. At the end of the day, we all relate to the same common themes of heartbreak and love and jealousy and rage, and whatever. With country music, the artists so beautifully tell the story of their lives but also of their hearts, and that’s just so attractive to me. You know, I love a good song that makes you cry based on the beauty of how authentic it is. Country music is so full of those stories.

If I asked anyone on the street, “Do you know Simone?” I might hear, “Oh yeah, she’s the author” or “she’s the singer” and so on. One of the things that people call you is the “Gloria Steinem of animal rights.”

That’s a huge compliment! Not one I know I can live up to, but it’s very nice!

But let’s talk about your animal rights activism and being vegan.

I didn’t grow up vegan. Most people don’t. More people do now, but at the time, no, I didn’t. However, my friends and I— Sato, who is still in my life, one of my best friends in the world-–and my other friend, Elizabeth, we started the “I Love Animals Club” in 6th grade and raised money for the Humane Society. At the time, my mother was, and still is, fiercely protective of animals. My father always taught me compassion and kindness. So it was really just about doing the math. People love to say, “I love animals.” People say that all the time and I have to, as an activist, correct them. “Do you love all animals?” They’re like, “Of course I love animals!” And I ask, “What did you have for breakfast today? What did you have for dinner last night?” So, you don’t love all animals. You love domesticated animals, maybe? Or you love an animal that you see in a zoo—which is a prison. But, you don’t love all animals because to love something you have to have respect for them, and you certainly don’t respect an animal that you wear or that you eat. So it’s a very, very hard line that I think we have to draw in the same way that you look at any social justice movement. You don’t have to jump into the fight for groups that are oppressed. Whether it’s Black Lives Matter, whether it’s women’s rights, reproductive rights, whatever it is, you don’t have to jump in, but I think it is completely reasonable to ask you not to be a part of the injustice. So, when people eat meat or drink dairy and say that they are a feminist, for example, I take issue with that. I don’t believe you can be a feminist and drink milk, because everything that feminism stands for, which is the right of a mother to have their child or to not have a child, or to be against rape, to be against violence, all of those are everyday practices in the dairy industry. Imagine if a woman were to give birth, a human woman was to give birth, and then she was constantly artificially impregnated so that she could use her breast milk to feed every child in the neighborhood. We’re getting into A Handmaid’s Tale territory. So that’s what they do to animals every day, and then [the animals] don’t even get to raise their animals. We know that cows scream after their babies and run after trucks when those babies are ripped from them. So, I think, people have to really open their hearts and their consciousness so that when they use the word “feminism,” they understand what that means. It shouldn’t just be for female humans, it should be for all females, for all animals.

What is the life of a vegan?

The life of the vegan is simply to do our best, to do no harm. Now, does that mean that we are all perfect? Absolutely not. I once saw a skit—which was meant to be funny and instead it kind of opened up my eyes—on Saturday Night Live and they said, I’m paraphrasing, “A million activists descended on Washington today to fight for animal rights and two billion ants were killed in the process.” Of course we can’t do everything perfectly, but it’s so easy to do so much. You know, we are living in 2022, when meat substitutes are in every major supermarket. It doesn’t matter what city you’re in. They’re in every major supermarket. At this point, Beyond Meat is everywhere. The ImpossibleTM Burger is taking over. You can eat beans and rice and have a completely healthy meal. And there are so many options to be warm. It’s proven that you don’t need to use down or fur, for heaven’s sake, to keep you warm. Some synthetics keep you much warmer. Layering your clothes makes you warmer than wearing a fur coat.

So being vegan just means not using animals for any reason. So the basis is, of course, not using them for food and not wearing them. So, we don’t wear any wool, we don’t wear any silk, we don’t wear any suede or anything leather, and then it goes even further. We don’t give money to institutions and organizations that do animal research. We don’t go to to aquariums. We don’t ride on carriage horses. We don’t go to rodeos. We don’t bet on horses. We don’t use animals for any reason at all. We certainly don’t breed animals for any reason.

I’m the vice president of communications, Social Compassion and Legislation. We passed legislation here in California to ban puppy mills. That means you can’t get an animal that came from a pet shop, that animal has to come from a reputable rescue or a shelter. The truth is, we can function better for our climate, for our consciousness, or overall compassion by not using animals for any reason whatsoever. My cat is in my house and I want nothing from her. She doesn’t have to pay rent, she doesn’t even have to sit on my lap if she doesn’t want to, and she seldom does [laughing]. I don’t want anything from her, and that’s a gift—that she’s here and I feel that way about every animal on the earth. They owe me nothing, nothing.

It sounds like you jumped in right away when you became vegan. Were you a young vegan?

I was in my 20s. I had the blessing, I would say, of joining a group called Activists for Animals. At the time, you know, there was no internet or anything like that. So I had seen a seal hunt on television, on a documentary, and I saw Brigitte Bardot—I tell this story all the time—the seal hunt is one of the hardest things that anybody could ever witness. They’re beautiful, brand-new to the world and they’re with their mothers. To get their fur, they’re beaten to death on the ice. And the ice turns the worst, the worst shade of red. The mother seals are screaming, desperately trying to save their babies. And Brigitte Bardot, who’s been a long-time animal rights activist, was there on the ice and she had her arms wrapped around a baby and she said, “Don’t worry, we’ll get them.”

We have not been able to stop the fur trade. We haven’t been able to stop the—although I’ve come very far—actual seal hunt in Canada. Even with Pamela Anderson and Paul McCartney going to the ice and begging for the lives of these babies. What [Brigitte Bardot] said resonated with me. I was like, “Who’s ‘We’? I want to be part of that army! I want to try to stop them!” The only group that I’d ever heard of that was trying to do anything like that was PETA.

So I called—I think they were in Silver Spring, Maryland, at the time, and I said, “Where can I go?” And they said there was a group and they protest in front of the big department stores for cosmetic testing and they’re outside of the carriage horses and they do vegan demos. I didn’t know what any of that was, but I got their number and I joined them and I showed up to the first protest wearing leather shoes and was at the time was really just trying to fight fur. And instead of being judgmental with me, or saying, “What are you doing?” They just educated me—and the best way that you can educate anybody is by showing them photos and videos of why they need to change the way that they’re living. And it takes a hard-hearted person to watch a video of animals being anally electrocuted or vaginally electrocuted or beaten to death or having their throats slit while they’re still alive, being put into scalding water. It takes somebody, that I can’t imagine who that person would be, to look at that and say, “I’m cool with that.”

I know they’re out there. I know those people are out there. They don’t usually orbit in my world. I’m always happy to teach people. I don’t expect people to be vegan when I meet them, but if they want to learn why they should be vegan and then they still go, “It doesn’t matter to me.” That, to me, is something I can’t get behind. I don’t understand it, I don’t, you know, I guess I don’t respect it because at the end of the day, when you see—when you really see, not just hear about, but when you really see the torture that happens—nobody can really in good conscience be a part of it.

So did you just go to the office the next day and say, “I’m a vegan now.” Because this sounds like a full time job!

It was, but you know you can’t say that to Russell Simmons! [laughing] So, what I did was I brought the activism into the office with me. And if you talked to any of the old Def Jam crew it’s hilarious. They would walk into my office covering theri eyes  because there would be slaughterhouse photos all over my office. I had a doctored-up fur coat—a vintage fur—that I had doctored up and wrote “fur is dead” on it and all this fake blood and stuff. It was hanging in my office. And I would have flyers for everyone. When people join this movement—maybe with any movement, but certainly the animal rights movement—we usually come in really, really hard, like a wrecking ball, and then we learned to dial it back. And so I came in very aggressive, very, very opinionated, very loud, and then over the years, I learned how to dial it back because some people respond well to giant displays of protest and others need to be walked through it. You know, holding their hands and talking softly. And I’m willing to do any of it. You know all of it.

You said in one of your TEDx talks, “It might isolate us from those close to us. It may take our safety and freedom and put us at risk. It may drive us to depths of despair and break our hearts, but it’s worth it.”  Did you experience a lot of isolation? Do you feel isolated still?

You know, most of my friends are in the movement, the ones that aren’t I still have hope that they’ll get there, don’t give up on people. But yes, it’s isolating and uncomfortable. I was in a long-term relationship and he is vegan as well. He would go vegetarian-vegan-vegetarian-vegan. He ended up vegan.

Holidays were always a huge problem. Because sitting there with a big dead bird on the table, you don’t feel very festive. It makes other people uncomfortable, too, because then they start to look at the choices that they’re making and they kind of feel guilty or they feel like maybe they’re going to be attacked in some way. You know, I’ve lost friends over declawing. If I tell you that it’s like taking the fingers off of your cat, if I tell you that it’s going to make them more likely to be aggressive, if I tell you that it’s going to break their hearts and you still go and do it, it’s hard for me to stay close friends with you.

So, I’ve lost friends over it, but for the most part, my circle is very, very strong and very strongly vegan. But I don’t give up on people. And it’s funny: Ingrid Newkirk, who’s kind of like, you know, “all hail the queen”—she co-founded PETA—she’s like, “Don’t date vegans! How are you going to grow the movement if you date a bunch of vegans?” [laughing] Of course you have to be open to dating anyone, but then I think for me, knowing who I am and that it’s probably the most important thing next to my family, my cat included. But I would never say because you’re not vegan, I won’t go out to dinner with you if it could have been a match.

You said that your father was incredibly passionate and your mother is a huge animal lover. So are they your biggest cheerleaders?

My dad passed away during the pandemic.

Oh Simone, I’m so sorry.

Yes. It was terrible. I had to watch his funeral on Zoom. Yeah, just insane, but I couldn’t take the risk of going because I actually had driven across the country to get my mother—who’s in her 80s—and I couldn’t take a plane to go to his funeral and risk bringing COVID back. I just couldn’t risk it. I wasn’t going to lose both of my parents. It was unthinkable to me, so I had to do what I had to do in order to keep my mom safe. But with Dad it was, you know, it was always about compassion. He was just a compassionate man, he was soft-spoken, had a great sense of humor. Always supported my activism. I was grateful when Facebook became a thing and he was, in the last decade of his life, able to watch what my activism meant to me. He would donate to causes that I cared about. And he respected it. That was really important to me. My mom is now vegan and she understands why. I send her dinner every night, so she kind of doesn’t have a choice [laughing]. But she, yes, one of my earliest memories was of her calling the police on a homeless man that was beating his dog. And showing such compassion to our animals growing up and things like that. So, yeah, they both understand and understood why I ended up this way. I don’t think anybody could have imagined I would be as radical or as outspoken or an extremist-–as some people like to call me. I don’t think you can get much more vegan than I am, but I think they understand. I’m never shy about fighting for what’s right.

“When people join this movement ... we usually come in really, really hard, like a wrecking ball. So I came in very aggressive, very, very opinionated, very loud. Over the years, I learned how to dial it back because some people respond well to giant displays of protest and others need to be walked through it. You know, holding their hands and talking softly. And I’m willing to do any of it. You know, all of it.”

When you say you don’t think anybody pictured you being “this” how do you picture yourself now? And as a kid, what did you want to be?

Well, I’m very shy and people find that hard to believe, but there must be some word for it. I’m fine in a crowd, I can speak to a crowd. I can speak on camera. I can go live on CNN, which I’ve done. And of course, I’m nervous but I’m not paralyzed. I speak and I can get through it and I can talk to a room full of people or stadium full of people. That’s not a problem for me. But one-on-one I get super shy. Like at a small dinner party or something. I’m very shy. I couldn’t have imagined that I would have difficult conversations with people, because that was never comfortable for me. However, I always thought I would be, in some way, in the media because that has been comfortable for me. As a really little kid I wanted to be a nurse or a doctor or something like that. But then later I realized that the sight of blood wasn’t attractive to me. And I also hated math. I hated math and I hated science. I knew that whatever I was going to do would involve the other side of my brain and would be more about writing, being more creative. I just knew that in some way I would be in the media but I didn’t really know how. My activism, then writing, and now, singing, which came much later in life. But better late than never, you know?

Yeah! But when do you have time to record all this music and take phone calls to rescue pigs?

It’s true, the music has taken a back seat a little bit because, well, you know. But, I never wanted to get into rescue. I knew that it was too emotionally draining and I knew that if you get into it you’re kind of like sucked in and it takes all your time. And there are so many incredible trench workers that I always marveled at and I always thought that was not for me. I’m the person who will do campaigns and work on legislation and do speaking engagements. That’s what I felt comfortable doing. And then, during the pandemic, shelters took a nose dive. They were closed to the public, animals were not being accepted into shelters. It was a disaster. I had time in quarantine and was at home and I had to try to help. So unfortunately, in some ways—or maybe fortunately in other ways—now people tend to call me when there’s an animal in trouble, a farm animal, particularly a pig. You know, it is so hard to place pigs! I mean it’s nearly impossible. People aren’t zoned for pigs. People don’t have the means to care for a pig. People don’t have the space. It’s really hard. But we’ve been able to even save a bunch of cows who were going to be butchered. I’ve worked on rescues with Diane Warren, the incredible songwriter. I’ve done it on my own. I worked with a friend of mine, Rachel Weil. I always do it with Jane Velez Mitchell from Unchained TV, she’s incredible. And my friend Cindy Brady, she has a sanctuary, and we work together a lot. Terry Crutchfield, my pig guru, from Saving Animals & Healing Hearts. I couldn’t do any of it without her, because, what do I know? What does a city girl who lives in LA know about rescuing pigs? The answer is zero, nothing. And now, because of her training, I’ve been able to handle some of the rescues by myself, understanding what they need, understanding what kind of enclosures they need, understanding how to transport them safely, how much money it costs to take care of them. Without that guidance, I wouldn’t know what I was doing and I’m still learning.

What is next on your bucket list?

I’d like to maybe podcast. Actually, what told me that I should probably do a podcast—if I could ever find the time—is that I listen to podcasts a lot in my car, but I had been just sort of like sitting at home alone with my blind rescue dog, who has since  passed away, and I thought of all the dogs with handicaps–I’ve had blind dogs and deaf dogs, a three-legged dog, and dogs with emotional issues. There’re so many that don’t get adopted at the shelters and I think it’s all based on fear. People think, “How am I going to raise a deaf dog?” “How am I going to deal with a blind dog?” And believe me, it is not easy. But if you have the tools, you can take care of them and they can have these wonderful, incredible lives. Animals do not feel sorry for themselves. They are survivors and if … they have glaucoma or they’ve lost their eyes or for whatever reason, they will find joy in this world. They will find joy in playing with toys that make noise. And if they can’t hear, they’ll use visual cues. And if they’ve got three legs or if they’re paralyzed, they’ll learn to use wheels. They want to live so badly and they don’t just want to live, they want to thrive. And so, I sat and I did a video in my bedroom: “How to live with a blind dog” and I didn’t write anything down, I just thought about it. And I must have done that video, like six years ago or something, and I still get alerts on my phone of people saying, “I watched your video, I was thinking about putting my dog, to sleep because she can’t see any more” and “I’m following some of these steps. You’re right, she can live a good life as long as I’m with her in it.” What a gift to be able to use your own experiences to help other people. And I think podcasts are a great way of just helping people or sharing experiences. And so I feel like maybe somewhere along the line that will be on my list of things to do.

What are you doing these days? What brought you to California?

Well, first of all, just this morning I read that Orange County, here in California, just declared a state of emergency over respiratory viruses in children. I’m like, “Oh my God, is it never-ending. COVID and all of this ever ending.” I mean, a state of emergency is serious. It means the hospitals are overloaded with children. So yeah, I’m still trying to be super careful with COVID. I’ve got five vaccines in me.

But you know, right now I still work for Russell and so he’s always got me busy researching things, writing things, writing books. That’s what I do a lot with him. I’ve got a new song that I’m speaking to my producer, Al Bonhomme, about recording as soon as possible. I’m already thinking about the video for it.

And right now, of course, I’m in the middle of a rescue. My friend Cindy and I, she has a rescue called Tiny Masters, she is incredible, she has so many animals. This pig we rescued is morbidly obese, basically dying at the shelter, and had been one of the worst cases of trauma I have ever encountered. We kind of knew that it was bad. We didn’t know how bad it was. Then we learned that she was only eating one Fig Newton a day at the shelter. She was going to die there. She’s a pig, so should probably weigh, at most, maybe 175 pounds. She’s 500 pounds, 600 pounds, something like that. Cindy is trying to get her to a weight where she can enjoy her life, but not take away her only joy: her food. So Cindy has had to walk that line. Cindy was really smart and realized that she was probably eating only human food and only fried foods. And so, while that’s not good for her obesity, it has opened up the door for her to trust that her new location is safe and to eat food that she enjoys and we’ll incorporate vegetables and start to pull away from the fried foods. But it’s going to take probably a couple of years to get her to where she needs to be.

But it was so heart breaking. You know, pigs are unbelievably smart. They’re smarter than toddlers and they’re smarter than dogs. But what we didn’t realize is how emotional they are. This pig, if you even went close to her, she’s fat blind, which means she’s blind because she’s so fat that it falls over her eyes. So if you even would come within a foot of her, she would sob, scream in terror. A normal-sized pig isn’t helpless. They can charge you, they’ve got teeth and they’ve got their strength. When you have a morbidly obese animal, they can do nothing. So when they’re being abused, it’s like taking a person and putting handcuffs on them and tying them to something and beating them. There’s nothing that can be done. And what would a person in that situation do? They would scream and they would sob, and that’s what she was doing. And so now, to just be able to get her to a point where she grunts and looks forward to her dinner and she doesn’t cry and she’s starting to trust people, it’s such a rewarding gift to be able to give her.

And this is Cindy, who I’ve seen on UnchainedTV? Who put the pig in her laundry room?

Yes! Pig Little Lies the first reality show about pigs. She took the mom and the dad pig that I got out of the shelter that were going to be put down. And now she has 16 piglets. One of them passed away. But then all of the other ones went to her close friends. She had some rescue pigs from the wildlife waystation, but they were farm pigs so they’re around 800 pounds. They’re ginormous. These are potbellies, so they’re not going to get any more than 200 pounds. So she had never had potbellies before. She had never birthed babies before. She birthed them and she actually saved their lives, many of them because a lot of piglets pass away during the the birthing process and a lot of them end up in an amniotic sac. She was able to pull them out and resuscitate them. Once you kind of have that bonding experience with the mother and the babies, it’s really hard to let them go.

What are the most unusual pets—I’m sorry, pets is not the right word—what are the most unusual animals you’ve taken into your home?

Well, I was the pigeon lady in New York. Out here I don’t see as many pigeons because I’m not usually downtown. Looking back, it wasn’t just in my home, it was at my office. I had such audacity! [laughing] I was in my 20s and I was still hardcore in the movement. You know, and I remember  on a couple of occasions I had a giant cage in my office because sometimes you have to feed pigeons all day. I was like I’m at work all day, so I’m just going to have to, you know [feed them in the office]. A couple of times my coworkers were like, “Do you really have to have this cage in our office?” And I was like, “I really, really do.” I was lucky—nobody got mad at me. I remember putting a sign up on the bathroom—I probably did it a couple of times—that said “Do not enter. Pigeon flying.” [laughing] You know, which is crazy! At a record label! But as annoyed as they might have been at seeing pigeons in their office, I honestly think it opened up their hearts. Because the pigeons that they might see as pests in the street, they would start to see as smart with little human qualities. You can play little games with pigeons. Pigeons fall madly in love with people. They’re very friendly and very smart.

You know, there’s nothing different about me. I wasn’t born with some sensitivity chip that other people weren’t born with. I was able to open my heart to all animals and see suffering everywhere. If I can help, I’d like to help. But yeah, I’ve done some pretty wacky things like that. I mean that’s kind of weird! [laughing]

But that’s what our 20s and 30s are for, right? [laughing] So what do you say when you get push-back from people? I’ve seen clips of footage where people are pushing back pretty hard.

Well, I’ve learned that there’s a time and a place and, especially after the pandemic, you do have to be careful how you approach people. People are not as well mentally as they were before this pandemic. People were isolated, people were off their meds, people did not have their meetings as readily available to them. People have lost family members to COVID. They’ve lost neighbors. They’ve lost fathers and mothers. People have struggled and people have been afraid for their own lives. So you do have to be careful and you’re never going to really get the the vision and the message of compassion out by not showing compassion.

When I was really young in the movement I didn’t quite understand that. I was very angry, as most people in the movement are. I mean, I’m still angry. But I don’t see the person whom I’m trying to get my point across as the enemy. The enemy really is society. The enemy is our inability as a  culture to not move from unconscious to conscious right. So the media, the media pushes the idea that animals are somehow here for us to use, and the government has also done that in many ways by subsidizing the meat industry and the dairy industry. But, we’re in such a great position now that when kids see that Billy Eilish is a huge animal rights activist, that means something to them. When Kim Kardashian says, ”I’m vegan,” that means something to them. When there are celebrities that they admire—and they really are animal rights activists. I don’t think you can get more animal rights activist than Joaquin Phoenix, when he wins the Oscar and everybody else goes to an Oscar party and he brings the press with him to go to a pig vigil to give water to pigs who are on their way to slaughter—I mean we’re at a good position right now where so many people and celebrities, who kids look up to, are actually joining the fight.

But back to your question. You know I try to meet people where they are and if all they can do is say, “You know what, I might not be able to be vegan right now, but I’m going to stop wearing fur because that’s ridiculous.” I’ll take it. I’ll take that. If somebody can say, “I can’t believe, how good oatmeal milk tastes,” Okay, I’ll take that. Once people start to open their hearts just a little bit more, it keeps going. It’s just an avalanche of if I don’t feel okay about the suffering of these animals, these fur-bearing animals, then why am I okay with the suffering of that mother cow? And I think people, as long as they are open to it, can get there. But they have to be open to it. That’s the thing. They have to be open to learning about it. I still have to have faith in humanity that everybody’s heart can get there. And listen, I have seen people who own slaughter houses, who have raised animals their entire lives for food, switch over to vegetables. Who have rescued their entire last herd or their last last giant batch of chickens. There’s a huge movement of animal rights activists helping these farms switch to something that’s more sustainable, something that’s more ethical, and certainly something that’s better for the climate.

Climate change is real. Climate change is going to be the end of all of us. None of this is going to matter if this keeps going in the trajectory that it’s going. As somebody who doesn’t have children, if I did, I would be in crisis mode, thinking they’re not even going to survive their whole lives, their natural lives, given the state of this. And arguably, the number one cause of that is animal agriculture. So if people care about the future, the best thing they can do is go vegan. Most of us aren’t traveling on private planes all the time right. It’s easy to say, “those private planes, they have to go!” or “those fossil fuels!” You can do it just from inside your house. You can just stop eating animals and make a gigantic contribution to this earth not completely burning up. These wildfires and these floods and all of these catastrophes—I mean it’s obvious, the climate is in crisis.

How does one do this, too?

Well, Andy Warhol was right: everybody will be famous for 15 minutes. Imagine that man, who was a genius, certainly that he was able to say something that is coming true before our eyes. There are people that have become world famous without ever having a record deal, without ever having a television show, without ever having a giant platform, because of social media. Social media is the most incredible thing for getting the word out. Now some people are getting the word out and it’s not the right word. It’s not based on love or compassion. Some people use it for bad, like anything, but most people are using it for good. Most people are using it to fight for the undeserved, to fight for the underdog. Certainly not all of us have money for a cellphone, not all of us have money for a computer ... I would never want to suggest that all people have everything that we have, right? We’re privileged in that way. But there are places where you can go and you can get online and put out your message. If you feel like you want to write a book, then do it and try to publish it yourself. If you’re somebody that has a message or a song in your heart, put it online. You know one other person might click on it and like it or a 100,000 people might. That’s the beauty of it. So, the medium is out there. The way to actually get your word out is out there. I would say: start small and dream really big.

What is authentic Simone?

I want people to know that anything that I have accomplished or anything that I hope to accomplish, I have done, and I will continue to do, scared. And I did it anyway. It’s something you can’t ever let stand in your way. Because even if you fail, it’s a better feeling ultimately than saying, “What if?” That’s not comfortable for me. We’ve all lived with failure. We’ve all failed. It’s impossible to get through this life without failing. But people become paralyzed by their fear. They think for some reason that [I’m not scared] doing a TedX talk, which was terrifying, terrifying; or singing a song in front of an audience for the first time, terrifying; or opening up the National Animal Rights Conference in front of people that have been in it longer than I have and know a lot more than I do; or speaking to a public official who has so much power and here’s your moment with them. I’m afraid every single time! I’m always afraid, of course! But if I waited for that fear to go away, it would never go away. So you have to just do it, do it scared! do everything that you want in your life that’s important to you scared and know that you’re no different than anybody else. Just do it, do it scared! I would say that’s the most important lesson that I learned and I’m still learning. Do it scared!

Becky Lomotey

Photo: Eshun, Claudio. “She Turned Her Kitchen into Her Salon.” 2019. www.claudioeshun.com

We were keyed-up at the opportunity to speak with Becky Lomotey and her oldest son, Claudio, about the life they have made and the gains from three countries, three children, three languages. For 16 years, Becky and Claudio have worked together to manage rent, taxes, tuition, and most recently, a mortgage. This life she and Claudio have put together, in the central Massachusetts city of Worcester, reads like an American dream. But in fact, they are still waiting for that call that makes them U.S. Citizens.

Editor’s Note: Bridget, who was invited to Becky’s home in Worcester, MA, wrote in her notes that Becky “funneled all discussion back to her children and their happiness. She identifies herself through them. Becky’s loyalty to her family and the commitment to the goals she has set for her children are strong and unwavering.”

Living Crue: You work overnights at Walmart? Do you do inventory?

Becky: Yeah, we do stocking.

How long have you been in Worcester?

I’ve been in Worcester for 16 years. This time. Yeah, I had my second child, in 2002 and I went back to Italy.

Italy?!

Yeah.

Okay, we should start from the beginning.

Want me to start from my country? Yeah. Okay. I was born into a big family. I am 7th born of 8 children, and I’m from Accra. I went to school—I ended in high school—after that, I went to hairdressing school at the age of 12.

Twelve?!

Yeah. I started hairdressing in the salon after four years … because my mom, she saw my interest in it. So I started from there. I go to school during the week and then the weekend is hairdressing. And so I learned and after completing my school, I opened a salon. Yeah, I had a salon before I got married, at the age of 27. I had my first son at the age of 27 and a half. Claudio.

And then from there, Claudio and I stayed in my country for 3 years. Then, his father brought us to Italy. I lived in Italy for about 7 1/2 years. But I came back. Italy doesn’t work [for me]. You can’t find a job–mostly women–because if you had kids, they say “you don’t have time for work.” They are serious! And the language, too, doesn’t help.

So you didn’t speak fluent Italian?

Not fluent. God is so good. Two years and then I find myself pregnant again. I had Michael. I came [to the U.S.] for a visit and I had Michael here. The second child. That’s 2002. But I didn’t stay. I went back after 3 months because their father wanted us to come back to Italy. After 4 years, I found myself pregnant again. And I had to come back here because I wanted to stay in America. I wanted the kids to learn English. They only spoke Italian [at that time].

And do you have family here? Did you have a big support system in this country that you didn’t in Italy?

The [family member] we came to? No, not really. I had to move out from their place with the kids and find my own place. I came here in 2006, in April. And then I had [Nadia] in July.  And we still stayed with that family member for almost 2 years before we moved out. So 2008. Let me see, 2008, we moved out to our own place. We were in one room. Wow. Yeah, we started. We started from that place in a basement. And then from the basement, we get our own place for one room. And then two rooms. We managed for, like, 2 years.

You were here when you had nothing. You were in a basement. So, how did you manage to go from the basement to a one bedroom? Were you with Walmart then? So you’ve been with Walmart for 12 years?

I started in 2010. I was still doing hairdressing to support the kids. Yeah. It wasn’t really enough. But I did hairdressing to manage the family. That’s why I started working overnights. At least when they go to appointments and stuff, I can be there for that. That’s why I picked overnights. I’m still overnight.

That’s a lot.

But God is so good. It’s not bad.

Do you miss…What do you miss?

[pausing to compose herself from tears] I miss my family. For years. But this is what I manage for the kids.

Were you closest to one of your siblings?

Oh, yeah. I talk to them. Only I can’t fly to them. Yeah, it’s okay.

How many sisters and brothers do you have?

Right now,  I have 1 brother, 3 back home. My oldest brother is in London. And my 3 sisters are in Africa now. Yeah. We’re all grown now. Actually, let me see, my sister is 51 years old. I’m the 7th, But 1 is after me. But she’s older now. So she’s 50 years old now. We all grown. But I left my country to go to Europe with Claudio when he was 2. So let me see, it’s going to be 24 years now.

You're no longer married. Is your ex husband still in Italy?

Yes. And he doesn’t come visit. Like, for about 10 years now?

[turning to Claudio, Becky’s son, sitting with us]

Claudio: It’s not really consistent. It’s like he’ll say it, and then there’s no follow-through. Or what is it? I don’t think he means well, but it’s just some people are just not fit for certain roles, I’ll just say that.

(to Becky) Is that how you feel?

He doesn’t want to support us. He doesn’t want the sacrifice. If you have kids. It’s a big sacrifice for you to take care of them because they are your responsibilities. But he doesn’t want it. So, I don’t want to get him involved.

Tell me more about your family, about your sisters.

Oh, my sisters—jobs are not there right now. It’s not easy to find a job. So they are now in trading. We have a big store. Provisions, groceries, and stuff. But the one after me, she makes dresses.

What do you remember about Africa?

There was a big family. You know, in Africa we live with our big family. We sleep together. We help each other when we are in need. You can take care of your kids. But over here, you have to pay for it. In Africa, you can go to work all day, by the time you come home, one of your siblings or your mom will take care of the children. They’ll feed them, shower them, everything. But here, everything is done by yourself or you have to pay for it. So if you are not serious, you can’t live in this country. It teaches us a lot.

In my experience, America has helped me a lot. I’m not lying to you. I can go to work. Though it’s stressful,  at least I can take care of these kids. I am always with them going back and forth. That’s all we do right now. I have a family, so I decided to get our own place, to live happily with this family. I really love America. Let me tell you.

Let me say, I can’t go to my country right now, because of documentation. But once I found work, I [became] fine with it. It’s fine. At least I can manage. That’s what helps me right now to afford this house. I save a lot. I’m a person who if I said I want to do something, I do it.

I think you get that from being surrounded by a support system that never told you you couldn’t. So it sounds like you feel like you have two homes, America and Africa?

Yes.

What did you see yourself doing? I mean, 12 years old, you are starting a craft that allowed you to open your own business. Did you plan to leave Africa?

Yeah. I planned to live in Africa before I met my ex-husband and he said, “You can’t live in Africa while I am in Europe.” So, he filed for me and Claudio and we went there.

Do you miss Italy at all?

No.

(turning to Claudio) Do you remember it at all?

Claudio: It’s a little small town. Very. For the most part, everybody, like, works for themselves. Everybody has their own shop. Very intimate, very suburban-to-rural type situation. It’s a small town where everybody knows each other. You go to elementary school together, you go to middle school, and then high school. Even go to college together.

It sounds a little like what you left in Africa. Were you more apt to find that similar cultural, that closer family tie, in Italy?

Uh, well, my husband was renting a house from siblings. Now everybody lives in their own place. So, once a while we would come together as a family. That’s it. Once in a while. We all go to church.

About your citizenship, I’m trying to understand why your documentation hasn’t come through yet?

I have to wait until the middle one, Michael, turns 21 and then he can file for me. Before it was 18, but now it’s 21. He’s now 20.

Is that frustrating for you? All of the waiting?

Before it was. But, I take my mind off of it and say, “forget it” and then concentrate on the kids. Saving, saving, giving money to lawyers, and stuff. So that they are happy. Yeah. They are.

And are you happy?

I am. Very much. From a basement to one room to two rooms. And we went to three rooms. And I said, “God help us,” From there, a home. Yeah. That’s a good thing. God is good.

How many years did you say? 12 years from a basement to a house?

16 years.

That’s a lot in a short amount of time! Tell me what your goals are after Michael turns 21.

Right now, I’m praying they will all stand on their feet, complete their schooling, and find themselves a good job. And then I get everything that allows me to travel back and forth. Because right now, I don’t take vacation. We all want to [go back to Ghana] together. As a family for the first time.

It’s funny—when I ask you about your goals and dreams, you gave me what you want your kids to accomplish. So what about you?

Well, me right now, I haven’t thought of anything yet. [laughing]

Do you want to open a salon again? Did you love being a business owner?

No. It’s been years. If I’m not lying, more than 30 years I’ve been doing hair. But, I don’t want to anymore. Let me say,  when they stand on their feet, I will go back and forth. If I get everything, I’ll go back and forth. I’ll let them stay and work. Right now, my knees hurt! Hips, back pain, and everything! [laughing]

How long do you think you’ll stay when you go back the first time?

The most they give is like, four weeks. You can extend it to, like, six weeks. But at Walmart, you can apply for more if you want to. But the kids can stay longer. With them, at least for their first time, 4 weeks or maybe 6 weeks.

That’s a good stay.

Yeah. But, I forgot everything back home. Everything has changed since COVID.

Did you come straight to Worcester?

Yes, I came straight to Worcester. Most of the African communities are here. That makes you socialize with people. Other places, I don’t know. But we have a huge community here. Different kinds of languages. Some we understand, some we don’t, but at least you can see some of your people.

“When I hear “immigrant” I think someone who left their home. When you hear immigrant, what do
you think?

Claudio: ... unheard people.

Becky: ...Without.”

What is it about this country that you may have heard about but were surprised?

Over here, there are more opportunities than Europe. In Europe, your kids can go to school, see college level. But some of them, they don’t. They can’t get a job. But here, whatever you do—when you stand, when you mean to do it—you can at least get something from it. If you are serious, you can get something. Achieve something. Yeah. I like it. I’m not lying to you. I really do. I have only one question mark. That’s it.

What’s the question, mark?

Why can’t I go back and forth? That’s the only thing. It’s so stressful, but everybody is going through something that is bad. So you can’t complain. At least you can do something with it a little. You manage. Because if I tell people I work at Walmart, I was able to afford a house. I showed them—some of my managers—I showed them. They said, “How did you do it? You say you are a single mother. How did you do it?” I said “Because I want something for my kids.”

Your kids are all your motivation.

Everything. Everything. And my boss in front of me  (pointing to Claudio) He has helped me a lot with the siblings. He is father and brother. So none of the siblings are going to a babysitter. A friend gives me help, but most of it, I give to him. Right? At least most of it. And I pray for him that he will stand on his feet. Well, every one of them.

Did anyone ever tell you that you could not do something? Who you laughed at and said, “Yes, I can!

Yeah. Some people say, “Prove you can do that.” My ex-husband would say, “What can you do?” And I said, “I can do all things through the one who created me!” So look at me now.

What does home look like now? I know COVID has changed every country at some level, but what was Africa when you left compared to now?

Africa! Oh, my dear!

Tell me more!

Oh, Africa! It’s good to be there—if you have something, you do it. There are people that have more money. They send their kids here to school, they pay. They buy houses here. You can feel the sun! But here, we have not many months of sun [laughing]. But for me, it strengthens me. It makes me feel more than before—because I have to do everything. No child support, nothing. I don’t get things from the government or the state. Because of my documentation, I don’t want to be like that because that will block you somewhere.

So you haven’t taken a single bit of help from the country that you call home?

No.

If you wanted it, you worked for it, you got it. If your kids wanted it, you worked for it, you got it.

When I file for the year, I save it. That’s right.

That’s incredible. Not a single bit of help. You have your church community. You have your oldest son.

Oh, yeah. We have a community, but we don’t rely on them.

How would 12-year-old you think about you now? I hear how you describe Africa and you said family is everything. You had someone there to help and then you come here and you don’t get that here.

Yeah, not even you. You are working for somebody, to get paid. I’ve been hired to be a cleaner in someone’s house. Do I have the money to pay someone to help me? No. I have to do it on my own. So that’s how. Yeah, the kids help. So it’s okay.

Were there any tough times?

It was before. But now I wash everything out.

How did you do that?

By always saying, God helped us to find this place. I know it. I feel happy. Like, I have a solid foundation right now.

(to Claudio) And how about you?

Claudio: What about me?

“The current system is f-ed up! And I’m not pointing at Republicans, Democrats—I see it from both sides. And it’s immigrants being used as pawns like chess pieces ... My mom, she’s way more graceful and positive. But for me, I’m more objective and I can kind of see it black and white sometimes.”

When you think about where you came from and you think about your life in America?

Claudio: Well, I still consider myself African. I struggle to call myself American a lot of times. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely am behaving like an American, but mentally speaking, I don’t think I have accepted that just yet. It is this constant fight spiritually and physically with America. As someone who has gone through the education system here and ended up in college, the point of grad school—I sometimes feel invisible. I just feel like I’m not seen or heard enough. But  … I don’t forget the open arms some communities have given me. However, looking at it from a holistic sense, I wouldn’t really consider myself American.

(To Becky) How does that make you feel?

Becky: Bad. I wish he didn’t [feel that way].

But you see him standing on his own two feet?

Becky: Yes.

Making art. And telling a story.

Becky: Yes.

Claudio, If you could stand up on a box right now and be seen, what is it that you want everyone to hear?

Claudio: The current system is f-ed up! And I’m not pointing at Republicans, Democrats—I see it from both sides. And it’s immigrants being used as pawns like chess pieces. And then it’s like we’re beyond that. My mom, she’s way more graceful and positive. But for me, I’m more objective and I can kind of see it black and white sometimes. Many of us don’t know about DACA, but then DACA is constantly in the news. My mom, she’s more comfortable not sharing about DACA. However, me as a not only as a young dreamer, literally, and through the messaging, it can take a toll mentally … I also became a little more angry. However … I have my mom, who who grounds me and like, you know, shows me the way through the church community, and me kind of navigating this world through photography. But yeah, just listen and be genuine. I’ve grown to, see right through people and see people’s true intentions. You do isolate from people. Yeah. I try to be mindful of educating people. And that’s the role I am in right now through my work. I’m an educator and trying to be a business owner.

This house is a mecca of your country, your culture, where you came from, yes? How do you walk out the door and transition to a very different culture?

Claudio: I think about society, What’s going to happen today? How can I protect myself? Who’s watching me? I’m always feeling it, I always feel watched. Watched in 2 ways: Is an immigration officer spotting me? I don’t know. Surveilling me? But also being watched in a way where I have to be a good role model for my 2 siblings. My tone, the way I talk to people. Even sometimes the way I dress, I have to be mindful of that. But then I truthfully, I’m in a place where I’m, like, doing a social experiment where it’s like, I know all of these things about me and then how can I sometimes make a person feel awkward enough or change their way of thinking in order for them to reflect their own implicit biases and then start this conversation like, “Hello, my name is Claude”!

Truthfully, throughout all, I really start with thanking God for taking me to my destination. And then by the time I come home thanking God again, I’m back.

I’ll try to avoid certain accidents and I’ll get into a bigger accidents, and I’m like, “Okay, this is just great” and it will fall back on me. So, yeah, that independence aspect, trying to reach out for any extra help—I learned a lot from my mom by saving or at least having a safety net. And be five steps ahead. I can’t predict things, but … I am in tune and I can kind of see 5 steps ahead … And that’s how I am able to get work, how I get people to resonate with me. When people—older people, people who are having executive roles, people who are artists—they want to talk to me and then I’ve learned to, like, to just be myself. Even if it’s like me being goofy, genuine, me or being super energetic, or more serious. I don’t know. I used to be … a perfectionist.  I just let all of that go … I’ve learned not to expect anything from anybody. Just do what you want to do. No, not do what you want to do, but do the right thing without wanting anything out of it. That’s just kind of been my way of navigating this world.

Do right or move on.

Yep. DROMO.

Editors note: DROMO is the word for “Grace” in Becky and Claudio’s native Ga language. But it is also an acronym for “Do Right or Move On” which Claudio created for his first book of art. Readers can find and purchase “DROMO” at claudioeshun.com.

I still don’t feel like you’ve told me what you want to scream out if you were standing in a crowd.

I would probably say, “What’s going on in America?” I think maybe because my mom is here. So my mom, she knows how to keep me in check. But like, truthfully, if my mom wasn’t around? Ok,  I’ll share. For example, at my school I was like a stat. I felt like, well, it’s not like I feel like a stat, but a lot of the times I feel like I’m just a number and I’m like, “No, we’re not just a number. We don’t fit certain boxes.”

We who?

Claudio: Immigrants. DACA*. Immigrants, illegal immigrants, quote, unquote. Using the word “alien.” There are certain things that dehumanize people and it’s like, “Why are we dehumanizing people? Especially knowing the history behind America?” That’s what gets me really messed up. Also, the education and health care system here—other countries provide a universal plan where it’s benefiting all demographics. But you come here and it’s just kind of like structured in a way [to make it difficult] if you have little-to-no money to get basic [needs], and even then it’s in a programmed sort of way. Yeah, So because of that, “What is going on in America? Like, what the hell is going on in America?”

So you identify yourself as an immigrant because that’s how you felt you have been labeled?

Yeah.

If you had to put a label on yourself?

Claudio: Immigrant.

When I hear immigrant, I hear someone who left their home. When you say immigrant, what do you think?

Claudio: A community of unheard people.

Becky: Yeah.

Becky, you, too?

Becky: Unidentified.  “Without.”

What does that, in this country—because you are an American for all intents and purposes—what does that mean? You used the words “dehumanizing” and “statistic.”

Claudio: Yeah, the whole time … Am I being chosen because of my skill sets and intelligence? Or am I being chosen because I’m Black? Or because my mom is a single mother? Because I’m the first born, first generation immigrant? Because I have grades that are really good? So, it’s like, a little imposter syndrome. And specifically by those who have been American or have citizenship here and they’re not doing or not following their dreams or aspiration, and I am. And then, “Oh, you’re the smart Black kid from the ’hood.” Just like little things like that. And it’s like, “Oh, this guy is a rebel [because of his] hairstyle or demeanor.” And it’s like—and don’t get me wrong—I got that same thing in my African community, too. My aunt wasn’t a fan of my hairstyle, even my mom. too. But you know … society, traditions ... So it’s like, just by being human, just listening and being receptive to people. And I’ve learned that a lot of us don’t listen enough to people. And then what I mean, listening not just to their words, but the tone, their body language.

(to Becky) Have you ever felt not seen here?

Becky: Yeah. The way things went on at school. I’ve applied for him, but they didn’t accept him. So I don’t know what is going on. He’s trying his best. He’s going to school, well-educated. I’m not fully educated, but I want all my kids to be like that. So I let him be. I said, “Whatever you want to do, do it.” Before I didn’t. But now, when you’re getting older, things change.  So I let him do what he wants to do, to be happy with what he wants to be. Stand on your feet. We’re getting old. If God is so good, don’t come and put on me. Be on your own. Be happy with whatever you are doing.

That’s all it is, right now. When he was a science student and doing that stuff, he said, “Mom, this is what I want photography.” Before, I didn’t understand. I tried. But when he said he wanted to share his stories and everything. I’ve accepted it.

That’s his voice.

Becky: Yeah. You’ve got to make him happy because there’s bitterness in him. And I want him to take that out from him. Because this is life. It has strength. He needs to stand on his feet. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. There are some people who get life. Easy. Easy. But with us always is different. That will make you move forward. Just focus. And now I can go see who that is focusing. There’s still something in his heart, but that thing is, it’s documentation. It’s really bad.

I feel for him bad, because the other two, they have citizenship. Okay? But mostly, if they got me, I don’t care … But all the same. All of this—there’s nothing you can do until the time comes.

I’m starting to get the feeling that you never looked around when you were here to see if you were feeling seen or unseen. Because all you cared about was if these three saw you.

Claudio: I know she was looking through us, but I was looking at the bigger picture. On paper, I just knew my mom’s income or salary wouldn’t be sufficient, for example. So me working 80 hours so I can be a cosigner to validate her. Working, hustling. Like, don’t get me wrong. Like, I know my mom was working, too, but I would try to work maybe harder than her, but then that probably put a lot of stress on me, especially trying to keep up the good student role. Many times I’ll come in and, you know, and do certain things to make sure bills were paid or money was available. I definitely have to always take the longer route to do things, which is super annoying … So it’s definitely taught me to be a planner or how to operate certain things, but a lot of it was not a choice. There was no choice involved. And as a young person, when you don’t really have a choice, do you really want to do it? No young person wants to do it. However, first born, I’m not going to have my siblings do it. My mother, she’ll do it. But if she can focus on my siblings, why I can focus on them three, I’ll do that. So she never really cared about the visibility thing, but I did, because she’s not getting support from the government. We’re not getting support from anybody. We’re doing it ourselves. I know many other families are going through this. This is just, this is not a normal way of living.

Do you feel ever like the cultures are clashing?

Claudio: We’re not clashing. I’ve learned to mix my culture with American culture. Once in awhile I feel like it’s fully mixed in [and] I’ll call myself African American, on top of the documentation. But I think more now, I’m starting to mix in my American with my Ghanaian culture, truthfully. I’m starting to see light on the other side and just trying to let things go.

See the beauty in your history?

Claudio: Yeah. Beauty. I want to say, it’s an honor for me to experience something like this. I wouldn’t want anybody else to experience this. However, I’m very thankful I was able to experience this school of life, I would call it.  For some of my age. I would say, yeah, physically, I’d been told I look older than my age. Because of that, there’s two factors. Maybe it’s the stress here, maybe. But also it’s just I don’t know, I think I’ve always kind of had this, like serious demeanor. Like I look at my young images and I was always kind of straight faced, straightforward, very observant. So maybe I was always aware. I feel like I was always aware.

(to Becky) Do you feel like you are also bringing your history into your present? Are you blending cultures?

Becky: What do I say about that? Hmmm… All I have to say is, with everything that went on, it does make me strong.  Going back and forth [to Europe], I see one single mother taking care of [the children]. Before, I used to cry about it. Oh, yes. But now, I see anything can happen. But then I say “You have to be strong. That’s life.”

So it’s not your culture, it’s your identity as—

Becky: As a mother.

That’s made you strong--a woman who proved to everyone that it’s about being a mother?

Becky: A mother, Yes.

Claudio, you were talking about mixing cultures and taking pride in both and mashing them up and bringing them out into your everyday life and your art. And I wonder if you’re getting response from that?

Claudio: Yeah, I definitely am. Because things have been picking up like artistically, like I never really saw myself flourish. And just quickly, as an artist, I would say, I feel like what I’m trying to convey visually is not problematic, but like, “what the heck is going on here?” For those who understand it, they say, “Wow, Claude, thank you for making this type of work.” So I constantly battle with it. It’s a roller coaster, but I’m in for the ride. I think it’s something that I’ve been experiencing before photography, and it’s something that I’ve grown with. And I just want to continue on, especially because there are others out there … I feel like I’m some form of a messenger through art.

That’s incredible. (to Becky) You must be proud.

Becky: Yeah, I am.  Yes, that’s all right. Right now, he’s happy before he was not.

Claudio:  I don’t know what her definition of me being happy is, but I’m like, “Yeah, Mom, I don’t know, man. I just seen it all.” You know, when you see it all at a young age, it’s kind of tough.

Do you know what he means when he says he’s seen it all?

Becky: No. No.

Maybe you don’t want to talk about it.

Claudio: In the immigration system, the streets, institutions, and in homes. Yeah. I just can keep going. But for me, it builds character. Maybe that’s why I don’t judge anybody.

Despite feeling judged? That speaks volumes about you.

Claudio: Yeah. No one is perfect.  I definitely have anger, but I understand no one’s perfect, including myself … I try not to be mad at humanity as much as I sometimes would want to. I think my mom just helped me be more graceful and understanding [of people’s circumstances].

(to Becky) What makes you laugh now?

Becky: Right now. God has helped me  Before Claudio started college because of our documentation. No financial aid. We had to pay from my pocket. So I do pay out of my pocket while he also worked and payed rent—because he rented a place for himself to live closer to the college.

What makes you look forward to the next thing? Is it a church event? Is it music? Is it getting dressed up, being in Claudio’s photography?

Becky: Oh yes, my dear! Why wouldn’t I like it? Oh, yes! I mean, I like fancy things, nice things. When I dress up and go somewhere, I feel good about myself. Yeah. Yes. And I like my kids to dress up, too.   

So what about you, Claudio? What makes you laugh?

Claudio: What makes me laugh? Being around my people. Family, friends. Everybody just being the true, authentic selves. That gets me to laugh. Going out. Parties. Events. Yeah. Sometimes a nice, good joke. Food, I’m not going to lie. Creating and working with other artists. And as a photographer, getting that shot that gets me excited.

Katerina Phoenix

Photo: Katerina Phoenix

I Am Katerina

A note from Chief Editor, Bridget Snell, about meeting Katerina:

When we meet someone for the first time, initial conversations are often centered around a search for connection. What do you do for a living? What do you do for fun? Do you have kids? Are you in a relationship? Katerina and I found connection in our children (both have tween daughters) and in our love of words. Katerina also shared with me the ties that bind her voice and her narrative. Katerina had lost a couple of clients after they learned she is transgender. Katerina’s voice didn’t match her appearance, so she told me she decided to sound “more like a girl” to make the client more comfortable. She said, “But I felt like I lost my ability to write, to be creative, when I changed my voice to be more feminine.” I’m happy to note here that Katerina took her voice back again. She likes the sound of her voice, thank you very much, and she likes herself, thank you very much. What you read next is authentic Katerina. Thank you. Very much.

By Katerina Phoenix

This morning I met with a friend for a hike. Her son is about the same age as my daughter and she is also a healer in the Sacred Sexuality/Tantra world. We talked about how many of the people in this world live a nomadic lifestyle, going from one festival and retreat to another, gaining clients as they go. The call to travel has tempted me at times, yet I have decided to forego traveling to be present and watch my daughter grow up. I wasn’t there for my two older children as much as I would have liked. I was too busy working and trying to succeed in my business. I now view success very differently. My old life was very different. Today I am a queer transwoman in a polyamorous, open marriage.

Before I transitioned from male to female, I was a straight husband with a wife and three kids in a traditional monogamous marriage. Back then, I never guessed I would have the life I have today. I didn’t even know it was possible to be this happy. I hadn’t found myself (yet), and I wasn’t living authentically (yet!). It took me a few years to find my authentic self. It has been a beautiful journey of healing and exploration of self with moments of rapid growth and rejoicing as well as many long nights spent crying alone in an empty bathtub, relieving myself of years of unspent rage, sorrow, and grief. I didn’t know it at the time, but there was a lot of damage done to my self-esteem and sense of identity from living “out of place” for so many years. I was pretty messed up before transition and I held a lot of secrets and lies and shame. Most of these secrets and lies were with myself. It was a survival mechanism to deny who and what I am.

About 18 months into my transition, I felt I was complete. I had undergone facial feminizing surgery and breast augmentation and decided to keep my penis and decline bottom surgery even though my gender therapist at the time told me I would never feel like a woman if I kept my penis (side note: always listen to your own higher intuition above another’s counsel). I use my penis and enjoy it, and while I would love to have a vagina I’m not willing to give it up. It was funny, but once I realized I had arrived at my journey’s destination, I fell into a depression. I had spent so long trying to get there, and when I arrived it felt very anticlimactic. I was crushed, for I had thought transitioning would be the panacea to all my problems.

After feeling into it, I realized that I felt the same after transition as I had before: I was a man repressing my feminine side and now a woman repressing my masculine side. I felt so much pressure to be “a woman” that I was denying parts of myself that had masculine traits. It was then that I realized what I wanted wasn’t so much to be a woman but to be free. Free in my expression, with myself, with others, and with the world. I wanted to be able to exist fully authentically and be okay with myself, and ideally have others be okay with me too. This introduced new layers of coming out: coming out as queer, coming out as poly, and at a deeper level being transparent with myself and those closest to me about who I really am and what my true desires and fears are. Living in a vulnerable way. This is what I wanted above all, for I had come to view that real freedom is derived from self-expression and self-acceptance of who we truly are.  In my case, I had found that I enjoyed both my male and female elements and have since learned to embrace them. I have nurtured a true union of my inner masculine and inner feminine, and they have been maturing together now that each no longer has aspects hiding in shadows. This has allowed me to feel whole and complete as a human, accessing all aspects of self.

Unfortunately, many trans people suffer from feeling out of place after transitioning. Trying to fit in is hard, for oftentimes trans people really don’t fit in. It immensely helped when one of my mentors told me that while I may never fit in, I will always belong. This helped me see that I can simply exist as myself and be accepted and loved by others while still standing out as unique. I have come to embrace and love my uniqueness instead of viewing it as something that keeps me separate from others. I really love feeling free to just be who I am and feel comfortable in my own skin. I am grateful for each day of this new life, especially given that my old life contained so much repression and denial that was slowly eating away at my soul.

Denying who I am has been a recurrent theme in my life. When I was a young kid, I remember my dad telling me that boys don’t swish when they walk and they don’t sit cross-legged as girls do. I slowly began repressing parts of myself in order to fit in. It left me feeling invalid as a person as if I needed to be something other than myself to gain acceptance. Not surprisingly there have been many times in my life when I felt like I had no personal power, no voice.

Several painful things resulted from this lack of self-esteem and power, and my life seemed to be getting worse instead of better. I was attracting people who took advantage of me in a multitude of ways. My employees at the construction company I owned were overpaid and underworked. My clients received more and paid less than they would have with other similar companies. I tended to be subservient in my marriage and make myself small. When I was younger this lack of self-esteem and power led to multiple rapes, all of which took a good amount of healing work to recover from.

After a while, I began to feel like a victim—as though no matter how hard I tried, I would never succeed or find happiness, or even feel comfortable in my own skin. It was a hard life for a long time. The days seemed to blur into each other while the skies remained dark and overcast in my world. I was simply existing, not living, and certainly not thriving.

And then it happened. One day in 2018 I was playing with an app on my phone which had a gender-swap feature. I took a photo of myself and used the male-to-female filter. What I saw took my breath away! I saw a beautiful woman who resembled how I might have looked had I been born female. My eyes teared up and I knew then that I would stop at nothing to become who I saw looking back at me. It was what I needed right then—a little bit of hope that things could get better, and the belief that I could make myself into something new. It felt so radical at the time, this thought that I could choose my own life even though it went against the grain and the approval of others. At the time, I had no idea how to navigate the complex world of transition and coming out or even if my marriage would survive. I simply knew I was finally ready to begin living my life for me. And I began to feel I was worth it.

I started with minor changes. A little more “swish” in my walk. New clothes. And a different hairstyle. Doing the things I wanted even though I felt awkward, ridiculous, stupid, or embarrassed. I began making new friends who embraced the trans side of me. It was weird but all of a sudden I felt more me. And more alive! Happier. Ultimately, I did decide to transition and the marriage did not survive. However, we happily co-parent today and she is a wonderful mother to our children. I still love her and always will. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for many whose spouses come out as transgender.

It was shortly after my separation and I was presenting female full time (I present female, but identify as two spirit) that I began my healing journey and entered the conscious community. It came about through Tinder actually. I began dating a stunning nonbinary tantrika, and with them, I began attending Tantra and Sacred Sexuality retreats and my life began to change. It took a while to figure out if my newfound happiness was the result of my gender journey or my healing journey. I have decided it is from both—the healing journey has supported my transition in ways that I feel most queer and transgender people could really benefit from. In fact, my latest passion project is thesacredqueer.com, an online space for queer and trans people to explore the worlds of Sacred Sexuality, Tantra, and Lightworker healing modalities so they may navigate their lives with more ease, flow, acceptance, joy, and erotic current.

Today, most of my days are a pleasant mix of social activity and work. Even my work is in many ways a form of social activity as I spend a lot of my time coaching people through their own life challenges and subsequent “uplevelings.” I entered the conscious community after a lifetime of thinking that spirituality held little for me. I am amused that it has completely taken over my life. The sweet pungent smoke from sage and incense wafts through the air as slow, rhythmic music with drumbeats and chants fills my living room. How this came to pass is a precious memory.

It was during the second tantra retreat I attended that I found myself opposite a beautiful young woman. She was performing a sacred ritual with me and she was holding witness as I, in sacred space, slowly acquiesced to my higher intention of accessing deeper, previously hidden layers of self. I was crying, screaming, releasing years of rage, sorrow, and grief. I yelled and sobbed, laying on my back. Her hands gently caressed me until the ceremony concluded, at which time she draped a sarong over my face and body. As I lay there in my own chrysalis, I began to journey and had a spiritual awakening. For more than seven hours I was in a trance. I became a large being about 10 feet tall with red skin, wings, and fingers that could shapeshift into talons. I had both sets of genitals and fed off-colored streaks of energy. A streak of energy in the form of red, green, yellow, orange, or blue would drift by and I would snatch it out of the air and eat it. I astral-planed and witnessed myself in previous lives. In the end, I knew it was all love. I felt that everything is love. And most poignantly, I felt the full and complete embodiment of love.

Feeling such an immense amount of love at once permanently altered me. I began changing my priorities, placing more emphasis on the quality of time and less on getting things done. I began slowing down and started a daily practice of mindfulness and meditation. I found joy in journaling while in a state of unease and trigger, knowing it would help me find ways to pull myself out of the trigger and back into the light. I fell in love. Several times! On 11/11/22 at 1:11pm my wife and I got married in a Tantric Union Ritual of our making in a nearby magical elfin forest. It was a perfect day, a perfect union. And I have found that the majority of my connections now are somehow based on spiritualism, on moving towards the light.

I have so much to be grateful for in my life. I am lucky that all my children accept me as a transgender dad. They have been supportive since day one. In fact, my older daughter’s only reaction when I came out to her was asking if we could go shopping together! What I really love is how free I am. I used to think of freedom as having enough time or money, but now I also see that an often-overlooked form of freedom is that of expression. When I lived as a man, I felt so constricted. I couldn’t show the world who I was. Even after I transitioned, I found there were so many ways I was imprisoned by my own beliefs and fears of the judgment of myself or by others.

As I have mentioned, my wife and I are polyamorous which means we can date and even fall in love with other people. I had a lot of judgments of myself for wanting to live this way. However, I really love this lifestyle and have witnessed so much beauty and growth through and in my relationships. I have been dating a woman I really love for a year and have just started dating a man for the very first time! I never would have worked on my insecurities had I not needed to deal with jealousy issues that have arisen from this relationship style. And it has really helped me keep codependency out of my relationships.

“I used to make myself small in order to fit in with my partner, and I am done playing life small.”

Identifying as queer has been perhaps the most freeing gift I have given myself. In my previous life, I had a lot of judgments about being part of the LGBTQA quadrant. As I have allowed myself to unfold in this life, I have found that I am indeed queer all the way through. Embracing this has meant a world of freedom.

What I have learned is that life is an ever-changing process and to just let it unfold. There are sides to all of us that haven’t been discovered yet, and we can be afraid of them or openly embrace them. I tried denying who and what I am for a long time. When I finally accepted myself fully, my world opened, the colors came rushing in, and each day feels like one of the best days of my life.