Mellara Gold

For more than 20 years, the Australian-turned-California-girl-turned-actress-turned-South Shore-Mom has worked on healing from a childhood she didn’t ask for (but one that trained her for tough choices in her adult life). It is through the practice of Hatha Yoga, mindfulness, and Meditation that Mellara Gold connects with her authentic self.

When I spoke to Mellara earlier this year, she mentioned that if she’s comfortable with a person she’ll notice her Australian accent creep into certain words and I was thrilled to hear it come out while we spoke! Mellara’s memoir, “A Life Worth Living,” was striking to me because she took the feelings she had as a neglected child and found words for those feelings as an adult with a strong practice in yoga and mindfulness. It’s a gift to be able to visit those childhood wounds, connect with them again, and heal them after so long.

Our conversation begins here:

Your book is incredible. Thank you for writing it. One of the themes that I noted right away was all of the connections you’ve created in your life. You and I are having this conversation on this particular issue for that reason. The connections with your family, your teachers, your grandparents, even with the ocean. But then at times, I sensed it was perhaps the disconnect—the broken relationships with your parents, men, your peers—that struck me as well. Did those disconnects affect your formative years?

Yeah. I feel like I didn’t know any different. That was just my life and I always felt like a weird person, and that I didn’t belong. Not until well into my 20s or 30s did I realize that weird is cool [laughing] and to embrace that this is absolutely where I’m supposed to be. But when I was little, I didn’t know what that was about. I just thought something was wrong with me. I couldn’t figure it out. I’ve done and continue to do a lot of work with astrology and love working with Vedic astrology to help me understand more about myself. I was born into a Saturn Dasha. Saturn always helps us to go over things and learn. It is a transformative period in an individual's life. It can encompass profound experiences and growth opportunities. Through self-reflection and discipline, one has the potential to emerge stronger and wiser. It kind of gets a bad rap, but in the end, I think it’s trying to get us on track. So, I feel like the loss of connection I had with the people in my life ultimately helped me find the most real connection that any of us, I think, look for in life: with ourselves. I mean, those years when you’re supposed to have a good attachment with your mum and with your dad made me feel almost like the world was unsafe and I didn’t understand that I could be who I really was. I didn’t think I was good enough to be who I really was.

Was that what your mother was telling you?

Yeah, she was definitely wounded herself, so it was like 2 children bringing themselves up. I mean, someone might say that 20 years old is old enough to know better, but it’s sometimes not. When you are wounded and you’ve gone through abuse in your childhood and then a child comes along—you know, I just have great compassion for her and great compassion for my dad. I mean, he was 20 as well. He was just trying to find the best waves and probably to have the best parties and have sex with my mum and others. [laughing] So I can’t blame them in that context. But as a child, I held a lot of anger, a lot of disconnection, and I spoke very poorly about myself inside.

I’d walk into a room and feel insignificant. And I think it’s because when you don’t have—it’s more on the father’s side there for the little girl, for me—when you don’t get daddy’s love and reassurance at a young age, you just don’t think that you’re worthy. At least that’s what happened to me. So it’s bizarre because I did come into the world with good looks and a cute little body, but didn’t think I was that. I couldn’t. I didn’t really understand, right? So you’d get the women feeling weird about you because—I mean, you’re just being yourself—but they’re going through whatever they’re going through. And so those years were extremely hard. And the connection that I longed for was a long time away. A very long time away, I’d say even into my marriage, with ultimately the best husband in the world. We’ve been married for 17 years now. I would say I was still looking for a connection. I was healed enough to find this wonderful person and we have 2 beautiful children together. But then I was still missing something. My first book takes us into another stage that I kind of call my “coming of age spiritually” and also coming of age in the sense of re-writing my narrative inside myself, “You know what? I do matter and I always have. I have an authentic connection and it’s with myself. That’s enough and I’m enough.” I’m 48 now. So it didn’t happen quickly.

I recently had a conversation with someone who had a defining moment in their life and refers to themselves as “me before that moment” and “me after that moment.” And “that moment” being their new baseline.

It’s definitely not an overnight process. It takes a lot of making bad decisions and learning from them, speaking poorly to someone, writing the wrong email, or saying no to something when you probably should have said yes. But when you don’t fully trust yourself you rely on advice from the outside of you, and it’s our inner self that truly knows which way to steer the ship. So I think that the time that I spent with my [then] teacher who I talk about in the book, Channa Dassanayaka, helped me to trust. Not because that’s what he taught per se, but because I deferred to him more times than not. And I eventually realized that I’ve been actually ‘knowing’ all along what I’ve needed and that I am my own best teacher and can feel into what’s right for me today.

I suspect that because I never got much validation as a child, I never realized that I actually did know and that it was me that can make decisions for me and that, no matter what, I was and am always enough. So, I think it took me to go through a very intense and sometimes rollercoaster of a  time with this teacher—who could have been a priest, who could have been the dry cleaner down the road that you really, really want to hang out with because they’ve got all this wisdom—but it was Channa. I felt that in hanging around him in the teacher role and with him in his personal  life I was able to see that even Channa doesn’t always know. That was a big deal for me to understand this, because after our time together I realized I had projected onto him and also made him into the parents I didn’t have. And I write all about this in my book. Deep inside I truly felt like, He must know better. He can be my mum and dad now. This wasn’t  me knowing this consciously at that moment, this realization came much later.

Then when I started to see that he actually was human, like all of us, that he actually wasn’t this godlike person that I really, truly thought—and that’s not diminishing who he is. He’s an incredible person—but my perspective was that he could do no wrong. So when I started to realize he’s human, and just like me. Guess what! I gave myself my own power back that I think I just wasn’t ready to hold all on my own. This is when my journey on trust began again. And that was a long process. It probably was even 3 or 4 years after I finished writing my first book and going into my second, “Living in Awareness.” So the book is another time, like you had mentioned: before I met Channa. I even know myself after the Channa stage. When people pick up that book, they need to go to the second book, too, because there are more discoveries. It is a continuation of my life unfolding with practices and rituals I learned that assist us in remembering who we are. These things are what helped me along the way along with a little bit of the update of how I’ve been progressing inside.

In your book, you wrote about giving him power and then taking it back. This is very much a natural parental “thing.” As parents, we hold and balance the power and then allow our kids to take it from us and send them out of the nest. And since you didn’t have that, it seems natural that you would allow another powerful person in your life to take that role for you.

Thank you so much for saying that. I got major chills when you just said that. And I call them truth bumps because that feels like what happened. It’s almost like I needed that lesson. I don’t always like using the word lesson for some reason, but it is that. I needed that again. I needed that understanding because I was still searching outside of me. Even though he has, and did have, a lot of wisdom for me, it was me all along who was connecting with my truest self. Being in his presence helped me to see who I am, the mirror was loud and clear. And then when I was out of his presence and 2 or 3 years after the book was released, I could see that, Oh, I get to trust myself. Now I get to follow my path. Thank you. Thank you for being in my life.

I kind of feel like if we don’t understand something—the consciousness or source energy, God, whatever you want to call it, I believe we’re co-creating with the universe—I feel like it manifests these people and these situations in our lives so that we truly come back to who we are. Without that experience, I don’t know if I’d be sitting here talking with you today. So I’m very grateful for that experience. It was a very challenging experience with some happy moments, and I would never take it back or change it just like my own parents. I just don’t have any regrets because I’m the kind of person who falls in with both feet and asks, “What do you need? I’m here for you.” And that’s just how I rolled with this chapter of my life, too.

I don’t think that you see yourself the way that I see you. All of the decisions you made for yourself: to move across the ocean, find a place to live and settle in a new country, meet your basic needs, get a career started, go to auditions, become caretaker … It must have been interesting when you were done with the book to look back at your life. It’s very dissociative, isn’t it?

I love, I love that you said that. And I would disassociate a lot in my childhood. It was the only way that I could not feel the pain of it all. But see, that catches up with you after some time. The beautiful thing about how I’ve gone through all of this is that the most rewarding thing that I get to do is turn my pain into gold by supporting others with theirs. Either in the form of yoga, mindfulness, or meditation. I can really say that I am living my best life, not a perfect one, but one that is true to me. It’s quite remarkable because there are people who are sometimes similar to me in a lot of ways, who have gone through big stuff in their lives—all kinds of difficulties, situations, trauma—and because of it all I’m able to be present with them and in their pain. I am so grateful and honored that I get to have this kind of opportunity. It’s life-changing for me. My life has come full circle. All I went through is for something. Something greater than what happened.

And I grow, too, with the folks who are drawn to the work that I do. Healing is not linear. It’s 3 steps back, 4 steps forward, 2 steps back, 1 step forward. And that’s why I love that we’ve moved here [to Massachusetts] as well. It feels healing to live here today. I feel like who you are attracts the right people. So it’s like your magazine; you are attracting the right people, so other people can learn something and help them grow, too. We all benefit, by learning from observing and supporting one another.

You were at a low point physically and mentally at one point in your early adulthood and took way too many pills one day. But you didn’t realize what you were doing as it was happening, that it wasn’t intentional. What clicked when you woke up in the hospital?

Okay. I was so depressed. First, I have 5 bulging discs from L1 through L5 and was diagnosed when I was 17. And metaphysically, when we look at the lower back, we see that it is the feeling of not feeling supported, like a fear of our own survival. And so when things come into us physically, I believe that they have already been in our aura field for quite some time and if we aren’t conscious of what is happening and don’t somehow make the changes necessary, they can manifest into our physical form. I’m pretty sure this is what happened to me.

So at 17, the straw that broke the camel’s back was in a dance class. I went to Lee Strasberg, the wonderful acting school in Los Angeles. And I was also waiting on tables—I was more waiting on tables than acting, but I did get a few things here and there [laughing]. Right out of the gate, I played Peter Fonda’s girlfriend in the movie “Don’t Look Back” which ultimately gave me the taste for more, but I was just so depressed and didn’t know it at the time. Because of my back pain, everything hit a precipice where I physically couldn’t do things. It was like God, universe, source energy—whatever you want to call it—wanted me to get to know myself. And I was like, Are you joking with me? I just want to be an actress! I’ll show you! Yelling at God and the world like, “You want to abuse a little kid? Well, don’t worry, I’ll be a big star!” I was very angry. I was just so angry and felt alone in the world.

And so I was in this bathtub, and I just thought, You know what? I’m just so sick of this fucking pain. I’m just going to take more of my Vicodin or Soma. I was taking a combination. I just kept taking them and was just like, fuck it fuck it fuck it. And I wasn’t understanding that I was really going to hurt myself. I kind of knew, but felt like, yeah, whatever. I’m not worth anything for anybody anyway, so it doesn’t matter? No one will care, that kind of thing, a huge pity party in action. That’s really how I thought. But then when I realized I had taken too much—because I started to get dizzy and I started to kind of pass out in the bathtub—I got nervous and thought what have I done? So I took some Tylenol PM so that maybe I could sleep it all off. And then it didn’t really do anything. So I took 3 and I just kept taking them. I was very thin, very actress-y  and I remember running out of the bathtub naked. My first husband was there. I was very disoriented and then passed out.

At the time, we were managers in a Section 8 building because I thought it would be good for us so we could get free rent. I could do the acting thing during the day, and waitress at night. That’s another story and it’s in the book. Getting your stomach pumped is absolutely horrendous. It’s so painful. And when you come through all that and you’re laying down … I just felt so terrible. I didn’t have parents that I could rely on. So I’m like, This is not smart. And I started to beat myself up inside. I always knew that I had to have health insurance living in the US. I always knew I had to have certain things. And this was not in my plan because I was very good about being good [laughing], being a good girl and making sure I’d be okay because I didn't have anyone to rely on. And so I was like, Fuck, this is crazy. So when the psychiatrist came in, I said, “You know, I really can see what I’ve done, I really would like to go.” And when he said, “No, you’ll be here for observation for another 3 ½  days.” I just felt broken. That was the moment where I thought, I can’t ever do this to myself again. I had it rock bottom.

You wrote about changing your mind about a decision or getting yourself out of a bind in the 11th hour. One example is with a photographer who wanted to take advantage of you. That’s big insight for a young woman. And by the way, I fully believe that a woman can change her mind whenever she needs to about anything.

When you’re put in a situation to be a caretaker even unconsciously and at such a young age, you just kind of realize what it takes to take care of yourself. On a good day, I’ve heard my mum say, “You brought yourself up, girl.” And this is not entirely true because I feel like I had my grandparents and my mum wasn’t horrible all the time. She was quite a beautiful soul, troubled yes, and such an incredible artist when it seemed like she felt regulated, even joyful at times. But I just think that I was put in too many adult situations at a young age and so I had to grow up quickly. And that probably helped me to realize what was right and what was wrong. I fell on my face a lot but I think all of that helps me to work on healthy boundaries today, which is something I didn’t know much about. And it’s true, I would get myself out of trouble at the 11th hour, yeah.

When you were a little girl, where did you go for comfort? I know that your father was a surfer. Both your parents love the water. Was that a respite for you as well

Oh, yes, for sure. One of the biggest reasons that my New England husband thought that the move out here to the South Shore would be wonderful is because of the water. Water helps me remember the vastness of life and who I really am. And it helps me to see a broader picture of life itself. Even today, meaning my life is not perfect. I’m still challenged. I don’t believe life will ever stop that kind of thing because it seems to do what life is going to do. It’s always going to challenge us to help us grow and evolve. But it’s how we respond to it. But I feel like when I was little, I was connected to nature. I can see myself right now as a little 5-year-old and I’d be running through the long grass and just kind of grazing it with my fingertips and just laughing. I was always seemingly a very happy child, and probably it was an unconscious protection that I put in place for myself, bizarre in a way and yet so very human. My grandfather would call me the smiley girl. And when you look at my pictures, there are some smiley pictures. There’s also some melancholy pictures. Don’t have that many.

Wholeheartedly, I believe that we are all intrinsically joyful at the core. I do believe this. I don’t think we’re always happy. But I do think that underneath the layers of who we are not, is the joy of us. And I think that I used to connect with that a lot as a kid and being more of a healed person that’s what I connect with today. Swimming in the ocean I feel this connection so deeply.

You know, I think that we’re all intrinsically connected to source energy and each other. I do believe that. Like we are here as this one energy, yet at the same time we’re these individual souls just, you know, doing the best we can.

I sensed a lot of joy in the early discovery of how much you love yoga and the practice of mindfulness.

It’s interesting because, you know, I would talk about all these vulnerabilities that I had inside. And maybe not everybody around me really saw them. Because I thought that I was quite good at showing how successful I was on the outside. So that’s the funny thing about this healing thing. No one has to know or does know what you’re really going through. So, I had a strong private yoga practice throughout my 20s, even though my personal life was in turmoil. I think I did, and still do, lean on my yoga practice and while I didn’t choose it for myself, I’m so grateful that it chose me.

I’m mostly a heart-opened human being, and I think that is helpful for my continued healing. My heart, you know, it does get closed and hurt just like everybody else’s. But the cool thing that I’ve discovered is that I can also move on pretty quickly. But I think that’s not always healthy because we also need to sit with our pain. Not to bring on more pain, just as a way to cultivate self-compassion and a kind of acceptance. And I never really wanted to do that because it would trigger me, and sometimes take me back to what happened to me when I was little, you know. Like most my own age I also had regular joys along the way and as I got older loved changing my hair and coloring my hair [laughing] and going shopping and getting some clothes.

When I sit with folks in a depth session, as I like to call it, or in their group yoga and meditation practice, there’s something that happens within me. I’m completely present and nothing can touch that space. It’s as if  I’m  reading the room and I am so with you that we are just sharing this amazing moment together. My yoga teaching brings me joy. I remember in my 20s I used to get my matcha tea—with two shots of espresso, mind you—at 3:00 in the afternoon to go teach my gentle yoga and restorative class. [laughing] I’m a firecracker! I’ve got that fire in me! I loved teaching that class, people just loved it probably because they loved how they felt. I could go home feeling good about that. My personal life was up shit creek without a paddle. But I felt like I was contributing to someone else. My pain wasn’t for nothing.

What is it like for you being a mom?

I just love being a mom. I feel like it is one of my biggest gifts that I get to have in this lifetime and I’m so grateful for that. [My kids] are my everything. Just like my husband. He’s my everything, too. It’s a very special thing to be a mother. “Thing.” There’s no other word for it. I don’t know what to say. It’s just a lovely and meaningful role to experience. But it’s a really hard role, too … I wasn’t the mom that would do the cry it out thing. I couldn’t. I felt like when they cried my instinct was to hold them and perhaps that stems back from not being held as a child. You know, my mum didn’t mean to not hold me, she just couldn’t hold me. That’s the big difference, and 2 totally different things. So I made a point to hold my children and hold space for them. And I’m very straight up … it’s just, it’s bizarre. It’s totally different and it’s not perfect. My husband drives me absolutely bonkers [laughing] and … I’m menopausal now. In that perimenopausal mode of life. It was raining so hard here the other day I was so mad with everybody, practically for no reason by the way. So I just went out and I said quite abruptly, “I’m walking in the rain. See yas later!” And I went and then came back and was fine, just very wet … I’m not the perfect mother. I’m present with them, but that doesn’t mean I’m perfect. It’s a big difference and that’s ok with me.

That’s how I think life is. We have these joyful moments. We have hot flashes. Like even during this interview, I’ve already had a hot flash! We have these incredible, inspiring moments. And then we have grief that really bogs us down and helps us to remember that we’re human and to be kind to ourselves.

Are you grieving your parents?

I think I might always be doing that. It’s kind of strange, isn’t it? I mean, I don’t know if you think it’s strange, but I think it’s strange. They’re not passed away. They just live on the other side of the planet. We don’t talk. I don’t know if there will be a day that we will talk. I don’t plan on it. And also don’t say no to it. But what I do know is that it’s important to me that I keep practicing on protecting my peace. Maybe I’ll be there on their deathbed. Maybe I won’t. I just have had so many different moments where I’ve tried and really tried. And if I don’t feel that I’m seen, if I don’t feel heard, then that’s my answer. I’m going to be courageous enough to remember that I matter, and that’s why it is the way it is.

Am I grieving? Yes. Absolutely. Will I change my mind to see them just to change it? No. No.

But you might change your mind, you never know.

Yeah, I could change my mind. And I always leave that open. I think that’s the beauty of our life and I also think that sometimes there’s too much black-and-white thinking. There’s too much right or wrong. There’s too much short or tall. Big or small,  rich or poor. And so, yeah, I love that. I can play with that and sit with it and feel it through in the moment. I can imagine that if I continue to trust myself, I’ll know if and when it might be the right time to do something.

So I’m working on letting little Mellara be seen. She matters. Maya Angelou said  “When you know better, you do better.” And that has stuck.

That stuck with me.

Mellara holds one-on-one depth sessions online at www.mellara.com and in-person at the Scituate Salt Cave as well as yoga classes at Open doors Yoga Studios; Norwell location.